


To Win Or Lose It All

by literaryspell



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BDSM, Bondage, Dom/sub, M/M, Safewording
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-25
Updated: 2011-08-25
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:45:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literaryspell/pseuds/literaryspell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus was there at the beginning. And in the middle. And now… whatever now is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Win Or Lose It All

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://hp-kinkmemes.livejournal.com/profile)[**hp_kinkmemes**](http://hp-kinkmemes.livejournal.com/). Huge thanks to [](http://secretsalex.livejournal.com/profile)[**secretsalex**](http://secretsalex.livejournal.com/) for the awesome beta and feedback.  <3

After Azkaban, Sirius' body was ravaged.

Sirius hated it, Remus knew, and had at first worked very hard to get it back to its previous glory. But thirteen years was a long time, all those years made up of neglect and fear and hunger—hunger for sustenance and hunger for revenge. The years damaged Sirius.

And not just his body.

Remus didn’t mind. Actually, in the deepest, darkest sections of his psyche, Remus could admit that he liked it. He didn’t like that Sirius was self-conscious and he didn’t like that the end-result was indicative of so much pain, but… but it put Sirius and Remus on the same level, something neither had experienced before. Now they were both scarred, now they were both hungry.

Now they were both monsters.

Skinny enough that his shadow was a sliver, Sirius stood in the centre of the small room dedicated to these purposes. Grimmauld Place had enough rooms that this one was never entered and barely noticed, little more than a closet, really. But big enough for this. Almost too big. Sirius was naked with his arms tied behind his back. Remus knew better than to use magic on Sirius, especially when Sirius couldn’t see him, blindfolded as he was. So he used hardware store rope to bind him and a handkerchief to block his vision.

Sirius was shivering. He wasn’t cold; the room was near to sweltering. There was nothing holding him in place but the inscrutable power of Remus' words, a power that Remus sometimes could hardly believed he wielded.

The wall was cool against Remus' back. He needed the coolness; he was sweating in the small room. Sirius kept the house so warm it was almost unbearable. Almost. Because Remus had learned a lot of things were bearable, and even more when you had back the man you'd thought you'd lost in so many different but equally devastating ways. So he let the wall cool him, knowing Sirius was comfortable, temperature-wise at least.

"Remus?" Sirius asked. This was the first time he'd asked. Remus had told him not to, to just stand there, to just wait. That Remus was right there, within touching distance, but that he wouldn’t speak.

He didn’t.

After Azkaban—and Remus _hated_ how many times he thought and said those words, his entire life dichotomized by Sirius' imprisonment, the difference so obvious that it seemed to sleep in the bed with them—after Azkaban, Sirius didn’t like being alone.

It was understandable. During the first weeks of their reunion, Remus hadn't liked Sirius out of his sight. He'd missed him too much, needed him too greatly. So at first he hadn't noticed or maybe minded that Sirius had not left his sight. At all. For weeks. He even pissed with the door open and when Remus had himself used the loo, closing the door as he was used to doing, he'd found the door missing. Nothing was said, but at once it was all there, in the open and exposed.

Like Sirius, in the centre of the room. And Remus had kept quiet, just as he was now.

Sirius' mouth twisted. He knew what Remus was doing and didn’t like it. They'd talked about this scene beforehand, of course. Sirius knew what to expect but it didn’t change anything.

Remus was still proud, though. He stood there for almost twenty minutes, watching Sirius shift from foot to foot—looking annoyed at himself every time he did it—and Sirius didn’t ask for him again.

Remus approached him, touched him. His skin was clammy and cool, not hot like Remus felt. Sirius melted into the touch, losing all tension in his face. He would have leaned against Remus if such a thing would have gone unpunished.

Remus' hand was over Sirius' heart, feeling him beat. His fingers sought and stroked a nipple, knowing that Sirius liked a harder pinch, not giving it to him. He wanted Sirius to know that he'd give him what he needed but not always what he wanted.

His hand trailed down Sirius' stomach, hair crinkling under his gentle touch. Dipping lower, over sharp hipbones, Remus touched Sirius' cock. It was swollen but not quite erect and Remus lifted it, pressed it against Sirius' belly and stroking the underside of the shaft.

In a quick movement, he dropped Sirius' prick and stepped back. He was close but Sirius didn’t know it. Remus' heart was flooding his body with throbs of blood; even his fingertips felt stiff.

"Remus?" Sirius said. He was still, perfectly so, as so many things about Sirius were perfect to Remus. He moved his head from side to side, trying to listen, Remus knew. But all was silent. "Remus?" More uncertain now.

Sirius wasn’t a fool. He’d been told what would happen—he’d asked that it be done. So why his voice sounded so broken as he repeated Remus' name, why his face, half-covered by cloth, looked so panicked, Remus didn’t know. Well, he knew. He just didn’t—couldn’t—understand.

It went against everything inside Remus not to run to him, not to pull him close, straining his bonds, and hold him until he was never afraid again. How bad would it be, really, how hard to just never let each other go? They were already so broken, could any additional damage really be noticed? Might it just be okay to give in?

"Remus!"

Tears, now. Sirius must hate himself. He never cried, not in front of anyone else. Remus' insides twisted. This was wrong. It was torture. Sirius had been through enough.

But he was the strong one now. Sirius was counting on him.

"Remus, I can't, I can't, please, please…" Sirius' cracking voice trailed into mumbles. He sobbed.

Then a word like a whip cracked the air. "Red."

It burned something within Remus. Before the word could even echo in the room, he was holding Sirius with one arm, the other loosing the blindfold and then tugging the release on the bonds. A long forgotten part of him remembered their first safewords, when it was really just play between them. They had been jokes, puns to make them feel better about pushing too far: 'Moby Dick', 'Thomas Hardy', 'Jabbercocky' (the last being Sirius' of course). Now things were too real; no one was laughing any more.

"I've got you," Remus said, touching Sirius all over, almost wishing it was a physical injury, something he knew how to heal.

Sirius nodded, frantic and panting.

"You're all right," he said into Sirius' ear. He hoped, god, he hoped it was true.

The end.


End file.
